Convoluted
by Begriffsschrift
Summary: "The dose isn't right, but they're going to fix it." Ichigo battles mental illness. /Context optional.


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**:: convoluted**

Noon, failed attempt at breakfast.

Doctor's appointment at three.

There's a cold spot in the corner—he can feel the exact direction of ventilation.

He doesn't know why, but he doesn't look at the doctor's face during the entire appointment. Just listened to the sound of his voice.

(Something about caffeine intake.)

On the ride home, he sat in the back behind the driver's seat. (He has his reasons.)

Urahara says something about exercise, decaf, and Yuzu's ideas for dinner.

(Probably looks like he's talking to himself. The windshield.)

They're at a stoplight for what feels like an hour, and Ichigo thinks his voice sounded too loud as he responds,

**"Whatever's fine."**

They get back to the Shouten—inertia, car lurching forward when they stop. Short bout of nausea.

Even though they're on the same side of the car, Ichigo slides himself across the back seat—gets out on the other side. (He has his reasons.)

Walking by the small aisles of the shop, Ichigo finds that his sock's bunched in his shoe and that Urahara's haori is greener than usual. There are a few seconds when he felt like he's watching his body from his shinigami form, but it stops.

He stops walking—asked Urahara if he paid. The copay.

(He doesn't remember stopping at front desk of the practice on the way out.)

Urahara, ahead of him, doesn't comment and continues into the house. Which Ichigo thinks is unusual, but he didn't get the accompanying sense of surprise.

(This is part of the medication. The dose isn't right, and they're going to fix it.)

For some reason, Ichigo finds himself reacting to Urahara's non-explanation with indifference.

He knows why, but at the same time, he didn't.

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Noon, he's headed for a nap—he'd woken up at four in the morning and gotten up for the day. He passes by Urahara and Tessai (they're inside for lunch), and they're talking about something. Has to do with the store.

(But otherwise, even though he's in earshot, he can't seem to decipher the words.)

He says over his shoulder that he's going to take a nap, and before Urahara could say anything about his sleep at night, Ichigo says that he's feeling nauseous.

He's not really. But he does have a splitting headache.

(He didn't know why he didn't use that as the excuse, but at the same time, he does.)

Walking down the hallway, Ichigo gets a small surge of fear—physical.

But it's not "PTSD fear." Or "Guilty fear." It's different—more like jittery.

(Manageable. But there's something off.)

In bed, he rolls onto his side, and realizes that he hadn't looked at Urahara's or Tessai's faces today.

Just listened to the sound of their voices.

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Four in the morning, he's in the kitchen. He'd circled it a couple times.

He actually did some dishes, because he didn't know what else to do.

Karin's footsteps startled him, but they don't surprise him.

(She had wanted water.)

"Karin," he says.

_'What are you doing up, Ichi-nii? It's really early.'_

**"What are you doing up, Ichi-nii? It's really early."**

"I don't know."

(It feels like he's talking to himself.)

_'Go back to bed,' _he thinks unbiddingly, irrationally annoyed.

She shrugs.

Gets her water, leaves the kitchen.

There was the flushing sound of the toilet, and then quiet.

He feels cold—goosebumps, he's not in warm enough clothes—and he realizes that he hadn't seen her face.

(This is part of the medication. The dose isn't right, and they're going to fix it.)

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Ten AM, Ichigo tries cereal. Makes himself coffee and takes his medication. It looks fake—big and white and royal blue and shiny, like the movies. Or some weird illustrative children's book.

But it's his.

He tilts his head back, takes it with the yellow gel capsules of Vitamin D.

(It's strange, taking pills with a hot beverage. The sensations don't go together.)

He really has no intent to eat, but he pokes at his cereal when people walk by—for appearances.

Out of guilt, he forces himself to take a few bites so he can say he ate.

Apparently, this takes him several hours.

(But when Urahara gently alerted him to the fact, he wasn't surprised.)

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Doctor's appointment at three.

There's a cold spot behind the door—he can feel the exact direction of ventilation.

He doesn't know why, but he doesn't look at the doctor's face during the entire appointment. Just listened to the sound of his voice.

(Something about sunlight and retinas.)

On the ride home, he sat in the back behind the driver's seat. (He has his reasons.)

Urahara says something about exercise, decaf, and Yuzu's ideas for dinner.

(Probably looks like he's talking to himself. The windshield.)

They're at a stoplight for what feels like an hour, and Ichigo thinks his voice sounded too loud as he responds,

**"I don't know."**

They get back to the Shouten—inertia, car lurching forward when they stop.

Short bout of nausea.

Even though they're on the same side of the car, Ichigo slides himself across the back seat—gets out on the other side. (He has his reasons.)

Walking by the small aisles of the shop, Ichigo finds that his sock's bunched in his shoe and that Urahara's haori is greyer than usual. There are a few seconds when he felt like he's watching his body from his shinigami form, but it stops.

He stops walking—asked Urahara if he paid. The copay.

(He doesn't remember stopping at front desk of the practice on the way out.)

Urahara, ahead of him, doesn't comment and continues into the house. Which Ichigo thinks is unusual, but he didn't get the accompanying sense of surprise.

**(This is part of the medication. The dose isn't right, and they're going to fix it.)**

For some reason, Ichigo finds himself reacting to Urahara's non-explanation with indifference.

He knows why, but at the same time, he didn't.

(He doesn't see Urahara's face.)

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Two in the afternoon, he wakes from a nap, body aching painfully. He feels dizzy—the surroundings look dizzy and the air feels thick.

Experimentally, he waves his hand in front of his face, getting an afterimage.

He feels so nauseous.

(And it's like he can't move without making it worse.)

"Urahara-san..." he calls faintly, trying not to sound as pathetic as he feels.

(His voice stills sounds so loud to himself.)

As if paged, Urahara walks into room, carrying a glass of water and a bottle of ibuprofen.

He looks concerned.

Ichigo sighs in relief and tired annoyance—this one actually has a _face_.

"I hate this," he says, words a groggy slur. "How long have I...?"

(Why is he even asking? He knows the answer is going to irritate him.)

"...Around eight hours."

"_Shit_," he mumbles. (He shouldn't have asked.) "How long is this gonna _last?_"

Urahara gives him an _'I'm not trying to pity you, but I do' _look—which luckily goes unseen—and he offers Ichigo the water and painkillers.

Ichigo painstakingly shifts himself into a sitting position, trying not to make himself even more nauseous.

"Y'know... I had one of those... like... weeklong dreams—vivid dreams? Again, yeah..."

Which is actually a lie—it was more like four days.

(Inwardly, he asks himself why he's _lying _like that—it's like he's become a pathological liar.)

He takes the water—only to put it beside the bed—and then the bottle.

Ichigo looks at it for a few seconds, and then gives it back to Urahara.

"Would you mind...?"

(He holds up one hand as a show of his violent hand tremors.)

"No." Urahara twists and pops it open, hands Ichigo two tabs.

—A little too close (he was already too close). Ichigo smacks his hand away without thinking; Urahara drops them and they land somewhere in the sheets.

Not wanting to test Ichigo's space any more, Urahara patiently takes two new tabs from the bottle.

(Ichigo feels doubly horrible, flushing in embarrassment and feeling more queasy from the movement.)

As economically as possible, Ichigo takes the pills.

He releases the glass into Urahara's hand, and flops back onto the bed, feeling utterly exhausted.

"I feel like _crap_..." he mutters.

Urahara frowns, feeling awful, too.

"It's going to be okay," he says. "It's only temporary—the dose isn't right, but they're going to fix it."

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><p><strong>AN:** ...Unnatural tense patterns mostly intentional.

For context, see _A Grudge's Decision _(9 ch., ongoing).

_"Word, VI: Convoluted"_ is one of currently fourteen filled prompts in the _A Grudge's Decision: Word_ side series. The other thirteen prompts can be found on my LJ under the tag "word," should you be so inclined to give them a go.

Aaaand Happy 2012.


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